The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

***

Nothing is as easy as it looks; everything takes longer than you think. And, if anything can go wrong, it will, and at the worst possible time.

Murphy’s Law

***

So it happened that the Emperor, having tired of levying taxes, starving his subjects, padding his coffers, dispatching undesirables to distant lands, and waging wars, summoned the royal Architect to design a new wing that would eclipse the palace, and inspire fear and envy in all who saw it.

After a sleepless fortnight of sweating and drawing, the Architect presented his sketches to the Emperor who harrumphed and pursed his lips at all of them, which forced the Architect back to his quarters to sweat and draw for another fortnight until he had over a hundred sketches.

To the Architect’s dismay, again the Emperor discarded one sketch after another with the same disdain he used when discarding soiled handkerchiefs, letting them drift to the floor for the chambermaid to gather and rush to the palace laundresses.

When only one sketch remained, the Architect prepared to prostrate himself before the monarch and plead for a night’s rest before returning to work. But instead of another harrumph, the Emperor muttered, “Um hmm, um hmm,” and peered over his lorgnette at the drawing in his hands.

“Your Excellency?” The Architect ventured forward a step.

“Yes,” the Emperor turned to the Architect. “This will do. When can it be ready?

***

The next day word went out that the Emperor needed a contractor to supervise construction of his new wing. As the Emperor had a reputation for being disagreeable, only three contractors were game enough to accept the challenge.

The first said he could do it, but it would take at least a year, whereupon the Emperor kicked him out.

The second made the mistake of stopping to relieve himself in a hedge outside the palace and was immediately dragged off to the dungeon.

The third smiled broadly as he scanned the Architect’s sketches and assured the Emperor he could have the addition completed in three to four months. Seconds later he had a job and the Architect’s plans in his hands.

***

The Contractor lost no time in assembling a crew of diggers, masons, carpenters, landscapers, and artisans who could construct and decorate the Emperor’s new wing. Of course, first, a foundation would have to be dug and walled in with supports. This would have been a relatively straightforward matter, except for the intricate tunnels built by thousands of fire ants. Their retaliation over having their nests and thoroughfares disrupted was swift and vicious. Within minutes every worker was covered in ferocious insects biting and gnawing without mercy.

Work stopped. Exterminators from far and wide had to be called in to eradicate the ants, a process which they said would take several weeks. The Emperor’s nostrils flared when he heard this, and demanded the workers, “Toughen up” and proceed, but the Contractor and Architect warned against this. “Sire,” they bowed deeply, “if we continue with construction without eliminating the ants, they will eventually find their way into the new wing.”

The Emperor imagined himself beset by ants, and agreed to let the crew off until the exterminators had done their work. Thus, excavation for the new wing ceased until the Contractor was certain every ant had been reduced to dust.

Unfortunately, no sooner was work set to begin again, when Mother Nature bombarded the realm with over a week of rain. The pit didn’t just overflow, it unleashed torrents of water, mud, and ant carcasses everywhere. And earthworms, since they now had nowhere else to go.

***

When work began a month later, the Emperor ordered the Contractor to find twice as many men to haul off the dirt and worms, and haul in the stones for the supports, and bricks for the walls. By this time, the season had changed, and a bitter chill had set in. The men had to pile on layers of clothing in order to keep warm, which slowed down their progress. The ground froze, hardened, and the men’s fingers turned numb and stiff with frostbite.

And then it snowed. And snowed. The pit filled with it, and heaped walls of it around the pit.

By the time the snow melted, the ground was saturated again. Still, the Emperor insisted the men work, even as they exchanged furtive knowing glances to each other, and scraped the mud and remaining worms off their tools.

It was around this time that the Contractor sought an audience with the Emperor.

“Sire,” he said, his head bowed, “We are making progress with the digging, but I fear the ground could use more drying time, as the men keep sinking into the dirt.

“No!” The Emperor bellowed. “I want my wing!”

And so it went….

The men continued to sink as they dug, and the Emperor blustered. Different kinds of Insects crept in, and the workers fled. Rodents hid in nooks and crannies eating up crumbs of food left by the workers, and the Exterminators set traps which sent other rodents scurrying into crevices in the palace; and continuing wars near and far delayed or prevented materials from getting to the construction site.

A year later, with the ground finally sufficiently dry, all the Emperor had was a walled pit, and a massive frame structure on top of it.

“I should have that Contractor’s head!” the Emperor yelled, “three to four months he said…. Bring him to me now!”

Within an hour, the Contractor was dragged in before the Emperor and dropped to the floor. Instantly, he gathered his wits and knelt, bowing his head. “Sire. You are displeased….”

“Displeased?” The Emperor snarled and growled, “Displeased? You promised me a wing! All I have is a shell! The weather is fair but no one is working. Where is your crew? Where are my stone walls and marble floors? My stained glass windows? My velvet drapes and goose down-filled chairs and jeweled washstands? And WHY is the wing overrun with mice and spiders?”

“Sire,” the Contractor, “I can call back the exterminators, but the rodents and crawlers will keep coming in until the walls are done, which will take more time since most of the men we hired have been exiled. Others are terrified of being bitten, and have moved away. The floors cannot be delivered because neighboring countries are so besieged by your armies they have no one left to mine and polish the stone. Worse, we cannot get down for your chairs because the geese have flown south, and we have been unable to find the rare woods and jewels for your washstands and chair frames.”

“Why?” the Emperor bellowed.

“Because all the merchants who had them sold out their stock, and it will be months before their supplies are replenished.”

The Emperor’s face turned from red to purple, A gutteral noise simmered in his throat.

“If you would permit me, Sire, I can offer substitutes—local woods for the floors and furniture. Some have quite exquisite grains, and can be polished and inlaid with bits of colorful stone available in our quarry. As for the down, we have plenty of chickens and ducks on our farms, and can use their down and feathers for your cushions. Bolts of flax yarn are plentiful and can be treated to rival any fabric with its sheen and beauty, and woven into intricate tapestries. And don’t forget the rabbits and sheep….”

***

Three months later, the walls were up, and the flooring for the great banquet hall in the new wing arrived.

Of course, the Emperor wanted to be present for their installation, but stayed safely outside as a handful of workers brought in the planks and got to work.

They had successfully nailed half the planks to the support beams when there was a sound like a mere twig snapping, followed by another. The men thought it was nothing, until the twig grew to a branch, then limb, then forest assaulted by lightning strikes so deafening and fierce it forced the workers to halt their progress and run from the room in time to watch the newly nailed planks collapse—not in bits, or pieces, or sections, but all at once with a tremendous whoosh, and massive clouds of dust rising above them….

***

The Emperor shrieked and railed and stormed outside, hunting for the Contractor, but he was gone. Every worker was interrogated, but no one knew where he was, as he had not come to the site when work began.

When it was clear the Contractor was far out of the Emperor’s reach, the Emperor had his guards bring him the first Contractor he’d interviewed, who’d said the wing would take, “At least a year” to finish.

The man wasn’t thrilled about taking on a project with such a plagued history, but he needed the money, so accepted the work, saying that at it’s current stage of completion, finishing the wing would probably only take another three to four months.

And the Emperor believed him….

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