I will try to be brief, as my time is in short supply these days. I had not intended to post, and considered letting this blog lapse, but a couple of things have been sticking me, like an itch that isn’t easily reached.

If you have been thrust into the role of caregiver, perhaps you will be able to relate.

The expression, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions,” always mystified me. These days, its subtle truths have emerged with stunning clarity.

I understand cluelessness. How can one person imagine another’s challenges if they haven’t been through something similar? How can they possibly know what to say, and what not to say if they have no basis for empathy? A wise man who counseled many people, once told me two of the worst things you can say to a person who’s dealing with difficulties are: “I know what you’re going through,” and “Everything will be fine.” If you have not been through a similar experience, it’s better to offer a way to reach people who have that understanding and can help, than claim empathy.

I don’t expect that depth of understanding. But, what I hope for from those who claim to care about me, is a basic awareness that some common remarks are inconsiderate.

Years ago, an elderly friend’s husband was facing a long recovery after a complicated surgery. I was in the throes of dealing with parents who had their own issues, and couldn’t keep in touch with my friend as frequently as I wanted. When I did have time to call her, she apologized for not being in touch. I was taken aback, and said, “It’s not your responsibility to call in the midst of a situation like yours. It’s my responsibility as your friend to call you.” And then I apologized for letting so much time lapse before calling.

It feels as though friends should know this. If you care about someone, you reach out to find out how they’re doing. A phone call is ideal, but a text will do. Just so they know you are thinking of them. Saying, “Keep me informed,” to a person who is going through serious challenges, or caring for someone who is, puts the onus on them when the last thing they need is one more thing to do. They no doubt have family who needs to be kept informed, and they have all they can do to pass along vital information in a timely way. If you don’t have enough concern for someone to check on their welfare and status, then simply say, “I’m so sorry for your troubles,” and leave it at that. Do not make updates their responsibility.

The other common, and truly awful thing to say to a caregiver is, “You have to take care of yourself.” Really? Really? How facile. How unbelievably bone-headed. Anyone who is in this position, particularly if they are a sole caregiver (think single parent, spouse, single child with an elderly parent), has precious little time. Often, simple things like flossing and brushing and showering and grabbing a snack fall by the wayside in favor of tending to a loved one. Appointments need to be made and managed, bills have to be paid, insurance company foul-ups need to be addressed, and clogged drains need to be cleared. There’s cooking and getting the dishes done and making sure the house is kept clean enough to not pose health hazards…. Self care? Seriously?

If you really want to help friends or family, ask if you can pick up something at the grocery store for them. Or bring them a pot of soup. Or offer transportation to and from an appointment. Or visit their loved one for an hour so they can get out of the house for a walk or an errand. Or just pick up the phone and call and find a way to lift their spirits for a few minutes. But please, do not glibly offer a piece of “Advice,” like, “You have to take care of yourself. It is not just meaningless, it is hurtful.

We’re into a new year, and while the sky seems to be falling everywhere, I remain hopeful. Whatever challenges you face, I wish that for you.

I won’t tell you to take care of yourselves. I’ll just say that if you can, please take care of those you love, in any way you can manage. Even a small gesture of compassion renews and purifies the spirit, the ether, the air we all breathe.

Peace. Blessings to all.

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