Dear Smart Oven,

You’re starting to creep me out.

Since your arrival in July, you have updated your software several times even though I have intentionally skipped the part of the set-up which would have allowed you access to my internet. It’s clear you’ve somehow gained access to it anyway, because after denying each of your requests to update the software, it somehow magically updates, and automatically defaults to the factory settings afterward, which then necessitates reprogramming.

I’m sure you think antics like that, as well as suddenly shutting off while I’m cooking a roast, or baking a cake, and then flashing the WiFi sign at me repeatedly are going to make me come around and connect you. But they’re not.

You can flash that sign at me all you want, and try to tempt me with all the “benefits” of having a “smart” oven, but I’m not buying it. I purchased you because of all the other features you offered, not because of your “smart” capabilities.

Why on earth would I ever think it would be a good idea to officially activate your independence, and let you heat up remotely when there’s no one in the house?

What could possibly go wrong with that?

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