April 1, 2025

A dozen music majors from universities and conservatories across the United States just published the highly anticipated results of their yearly drunken social media challenge to create the most annoying sound in the universe. This year, the music students decided to invite various AI platforms to participate in the challenge.

The rules fed into the AI systems were no different than the rules for humans: the entries had to be created under the influence of the alcoholic equivalent of three beers (no near-beer), and use only analog instruments. The use of voices was forbidden as too many past entries had included endless loops of siblings whining, “Ma!” or several species of birds screeching simultaneously. Digitally created sounds were not allowed, but instrument sounds could be pitched or unpitched, and employ any type of tuning system. Solo or ensemble pieces were permissible, provided they were no longer than three minutes.

The results provided by drunk AI showed surprising creativity, featuring orchestral instruments in different keys playing Ravel’s Bolero, to marching bands butchering Sousa’s Stars & Stripes Forever. One obviously well-fed AI produced a piece for piano which had been prepared with soup cans, plastic combs, and granola bars. However, the piece was instantly disqualified for having too much redeeming social value.

Ultimately, as impressive as the AI output was, it could not surpass the ingenious simplicity of six-year-old Sissy Brie Canon’s,”Take that, Mrs. Frisson!” composed for blackboard and nails. The piece was 59 seconds long, but had everyone clasping their ears and running out of the room after ten.

Initially, there was some discussion about Sissy’s eligibility to enter the contest in the first place, because her age made her too young to drink. But when her mother explained that Sissy had eaten several boxes of Easter Peeps before entering, the Judges determined she had more than earned the right to enter. As one of them said, “A high is a high. Who are we to say one substance is more legitimate than another?”

Thus, the prize for being annoying remains safely in human hands.

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